Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Ok, moving on to my original topic, my dilemma. You know ladies, it might be hard to believe this, but uh, I used to be a bit of a "party girl" in my day. (Pause for reaction.) I guess I was what you'd call "the life of the party." I mean if there was a party, I was there, and if I was there, there was a party. Now, before you go deleting yourself from following me, please do realize that I was never NEVER the girl in the above picture. I just put her there for artistic purposes. What I love most about her is if you look close enough, you can see a wedding ring on. That's classy folks.
To the point: The DH and I are travelling this weekend to meet up with our friends for a going away party for one of them. The group being a very close college friend of mine, a friend of the DH's that actually used to live with us, and many other partyin peeps. Now I have shared with a few of my friends and family about our ttc situation. However, with this particular group, ttc is the last thing on everyones mine and I've just decided to keep our struggle to ourselves.
As I have said before, I've actually stopped drinking. I know, I know, the embryo or lack there of doesn't even share fluids for quit some time but still, it has made me feel better in the fact that I know I am doing all I can do. My BIGGEST fear is that my lack of drinking will get noticed, (ok, I know for sure it will, these people are like hawks) More scary yet, I'm deathly afraid of the whole, "Are you pregnant?" question. I mean I think I would laugh if off, shoot my drink out my nose, and have something mysteriously get in my eye all at the same time.
As you can see I'm really nervous about the whole situation. My hubs and I have a few plans were gunna stick to, but heck, he can't drink ALL my drinks AND his own all night. (Well, he COULD but I'm in no mood to clean up after him! lol)
I know I'm stressing over nothing (I hope) but it's either stress over my slurp and spit plan or implantation bleeding. Flip a coin.
So now I must:
- Thank the person who nominated your for this award. (check)
- Copy the award and place it in your blog. (check)
- Link the person who nominated you for this award. (what?)
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate. (again, huh?)
7 Interesting things about me:
- The grossest thing in the world to me are eye boogies.
- My dream job is a Hype Man (the person who gets everybody jazzed up before a live television show)
- I've driven the same car since high school. (If it ain't broke, don't fix it)
- I have 2 dogs. A Lab/Golden Retriever named Lacy and a mutt/Shepherd mix named Kilo.
- I always feel the need to explain to people that Kilo represents kilograms in terms of weight lifting and resistance training, not drugs.
- I have participated in almost every sport possible growing up: softball, basketball, gymnastics, dance, cheerleading, swimming, diving, piano/viola (ok not a sport), racquetball, volleyball, handball and golf.
- I'm constipated, always. =)
7 Bloggers I pass this on to: (and I don't know how to link the name directly)
Busted Plumbing http://www.bustedplumbing.com/
Fertility Chick http://fertilitychick.blogspot.com/
After the Alter http://afterthealter.com/food-revolution/
Fertility Guy http://fertilityguy.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Boost immunity = Have a yogurt
Can't poop = Have a yogurt
Low energy = Have a yogurt
Lose weight = Have a yogurt
Losing hair = Have a yogurt
Can't pay your bills = Have a yogurt
Well, I'm wondering where is my Pregnancy yogurt? Wouldn't that be nice if all we needed to do to get pregnant was to eat a yogurt on days 5-7 of your cycle, carry 1 go-gurt with you on days 10-20, and eat 5 yogurts on day 25.
Why can't they make a yogurt with the live culture Bifitus-Pregolarus, or something like that?
As you can see I'm still in the middle of my 2ww and driving myself bonkers. No, I don't feel any different. No, I don't have sore nipples or that mythical implantation bleeding. All I have is a lowered appetite and some weight loss. Probably all due to the fact that I started Metformin, and stopped drinking.
Wednesday is my blood drawl. I'm not sure how soon I will get the results back. Maybe they will tell me to go home and have a yogurt while I wait.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
First off, we want you to know that Mommy and Daddy already love you so very much. We want to say thank you.
Thank you little follies for growing in such hormonal turmoil. Even through high testosterone levels and pcos, you still grew big enough for mommy to have her LH surge. Thanks. To the fellas, thank you for recruiting so many of your friends to come out to play. It was a cold dreary day but you still came out with your game faces on. Daddy really appreciates it. Thank you for hanging in there during the bumpy ride to the doc's office. You hung on tight, you sure are strong. Thank you for so courageously going into mommy so easily. We know how awkward it must have been with all those people in the room. Thank you for not being shy. Egg/eggs, thank you for letting daddy in to your life, just as mommy did years ago. Trust me, you'll be happy with your decision. Finally thank you, through all this, deciding to stick with mommy. We're so glad you chose to have a nine month uterus party.
Boy, we really love ya kid. Thanks!
Love, Mommy and Daddy
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
However, may I vent now..."THIS IS NOT FAIR!" It is so easy, natural actually, to begin to feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to whine about it. I mean, obviously it is not fair when you have to be put through the ringer, (test after test after test) just to see if you're "allowed" to get pregnant or they'll "let you" get pregnant. Then you hear of a friend, of a friend, of a friend who got pregnant just because her spouse looked at her during the moment she was ovulating. (How lucky you think, this only happens in the blissful world of the fertiles.)
It is so true though. It takes a while to truly get over the fact that you have to "ask a Dr.'s permission" and "pay for" something to happen that you feel is your God given right as a woman. Then, before they help you must be tested. They need to test your blood for disease, your liver function to make sure you can handle the meds, your dh's sperm, your pee, your bank account, your glucose tolerance, your hormones, your finger prints, and Great Aunt Gertrude's stool sample just in case.
You must rise above and realize that although "un-fair" this is the path chosen for you. I do realize that this is our journey, our path, and we will get through it together. Tomorrow is my HSG that I am just now beginning get nervous about. I am not nervous about the result as I know in my head already that it will be worst case scenario and my tubes are blocked. (This is another amazing ability of an infertile. You can actually diagnose yourself before the test even takes place.) I am nervous about the pain. Any advice out there?
Saturday, January 9, 2010
No, this post is dedicated to the 1WW (or at least that's what I'm calling it) because I believe it doesn't get nearly a loud enough voice. The 1WW I am referring too is roughly the time between your period ending, and ovulation. It is during this time I believe any infertile goes a little nuts and is totally obsessed with her infertility (even if you're doing IVF because at this point you're still hoping for those follicle babies to grow grow grow)!
There are many factors at this point. The biggest is, "To sex, or not to sex?" That is the ultimate question. Naturally, because you're a true infertile you know exactly how many hours your DH needs between "deposits" to create the most efficient currency. (Yes, you know this because he's been tested....multiple times.) Therefore you question, should you do it today, or wait and do it tomorrow then in two days after that? Uhg. Plus you get this mythical fear that you don't want him to "waste" it. Which obviously is a fear unnecessary to have.
Another factor at this point in your cycle is how consumed you are with what "day" it is. True story: I was asked once what the date was. I responded, "It is day 17." (Weird look on face) "Wait no it's the 9th, today is the 9th"
A third factor is your obsession with nailing down precisely when you're ovulating. (Even though you have ultrasounds scheduled so you're RE will be able to tell you, you still need to use you're own methods just in case.) So there you are, every morning, taking your temperature. Unfortunately, due to the night sweats you're having from the chlomid, so far this month your temp says you've ovulated 3 times already and it's only day 10. However you press on every morning-you're determined to find some consistency in this bar graph that looks more like an EKG rhythm strip.
The last factor in nailing down when you're ovulating is an ovulation kit. Well aren't those fun. When you do detect your LH surge you get a positive! Two lines! Or in the case of a digital test you even get a smiley face! Oh boy, how exciting. Don't be alarmed if you find yourself at the store buying another kit just to take all 7 tests and get all 7 positives. You just love feeling proud of yourself. It's natural. Just don't tell your DH how expensive those little buggers are.
So, as you can see the 1WW can be just as time consuming, overwhelming, and as miserable as the 2WW. Go forth! Continue to check your calendar every 10 minutes, your temp every day, buy those ovulation kits in bulk, and put time minimums and maximums on your DH. You're not crazy, you're just an infertile!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
So Let's start at the beginning, as shameful as it may be. 15 years of age, what a perfect time to start on OC's, you know, for the cramps. Do you remember those days? The days when you thought becoming pregnant would ruin your world, when you would do anything and everything to prevent pregnancy: pee right after, use a condom and pull out, you know, all those scientifically proven methods of BC. Well now we just look back and laugh, who knew it would be this hard? Or scarier yet, impossible? And of course your mother thinks you're an infertile because you've been on OC's for most your life....which is not true, not at all true. So if you've been on the pill, don't take the guilt pill, it's ok.
So there I am in college in my early twenties. At this point I have moved on to the second loser in my relationship history (or as my family calls him Butthead, first there was Bevis of course). Thinking at that point my life was set, I felt like I had the world by the balls, nothing could get me down until.....I became a statistic. (At this point I feel my mother cringing) I was feeling pain, down there, and had a check up. Chlamydia. I had chlamydia. Are you kidding me? Seriously? How gross. I felt gross, dirty actually. I felt like the nurses looked at me like "ew, don't touch her". The humility was almost unbearable. The upside? Treatment was a breeze. 7 days of antibiotics, oh and a shot, but then gone for good. Right? Yes, the bacteria was gone, but the shame follows me to this day. What also follows me is the Dr.'s words that day telling me this could have caused me to be INFERTILE! What? Really? What I have now come to find out years later, which is something I want any girl to know out there who may have gone through this, is that the word "infertile" is a term, it is a category, a condition you have. It in no way means you will never get pregnant!! Oh do I wish someone would have told me that then. When you are an infertile it's a condition just as if you had hypertension. It means you will need medicine and extra care, it does not mean you will die tomorrow.
Fast forward a few years and I meet my DH. After two years of dating and that oh so fun "I may never be able to get pregnant" talk he still wants to marry me. Wow. So we marry. Honey, I love you.
Meanwhile, after meeting "the one" I decide to go off the pill. How exciting right?! Well, 6 mo. and no period. Went to OB, she says nothing. I break up with my OB. Find new OB, does tests, and ultrasound and here it is diagnosis #1 PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a condition that suppresses ovulation because of cysts on the ovaries. How do you get it? It's not sure but it mostly effects overweight women with insulin resistance. GREAT! I have a problem that obese diabetics have. Sweet! The irony here, I'm not overweight, and do not have diabetes in my family.
We find a RE. Which will be a whole different post in itself. Finding the right RE for you is so important. She tests my DH sperm. Low count. S$!t. (However I must say there was a slight relief that I wasn't the only one with problems as bad as that may sound). Semen re-test. High count and great motility. WaHooo! (However I must say again that I was slightly upset that yet again it has been confirmed that I am the only one with problems).
Let the Chlomid begin... (not to be confused with chlamydia)
p.s. Here's a list of just a few things to remember as you begin your infertility journey
1. Everybody on Facebook is pregnant.
2. The best Doctor is Dr. Google. Any symptom you have, he will say you might be pregnant.
3. I hear it helps to go outside, look up in the sky, and wave your arms. Obviously the problem must be that your stork is lost and you need to flag him down.
4. Stop buying pee sticks. The kind you buy never have two lines.
5. Ask for a dollar from anyone who inquires when you and your DH will have a baby. In two months you will saved up enough for all your infertility needs.
6. During an ultrasound you will be full of joy and cry happy tears. Not because you see or hear your baby, but because you see a follicle.
7. You will start turning your friends down for social engagements. Just use this, "We can't this weekend, we have to save up to buy our baby, sorry."
8. You will find yourself being jealous of the nurse at the semen analysis clinic. It's natural, you're sure her ovaries are just perfect.
First, and most important, I hope to share laughs and lessons learned. Since the beginning of my infertility battle (which feels like 20yrs) I have learned so much through following fellow ttc friends (sweet, I get to use acronyms now that I'm a blogger) on their blogspots. Knowing what to expect going into a HSG and understanding that I'm not alone in being obsessed with the TP after I wipe, or touching my nipples hoping for tenderness has given me so much comfort, and the strength to go on. I just hope to help another young infertile out there. Yup that's me, changing the world one infertile at a time.
Second, and most selfish, I am hoping to find this therapeutic. Because I'm a no patience, need to know now, constantly worrying kind of gal, I hope to find peace in putting my feelings, issues, and struggles out there. Also, I hope to find my sarcasm, wit and sometimes wacky behavior (it must be the hormones) keeping me and my DH (acronyms again) laughing.
As of now I'm not even sure who I will tell about this blog. Maybe when I'm ready to really face reality I will let my beloved friends and family in on my new blog. Until then it's just between you and me mr. worldwideweb.